Yesterday about nine at night my dads cellphone rang. Yeah, we were anxious waiting for a phone call from someone considered important because from what I've heard before, the phone call should have been from the day before. And, it turned out to be the phone call that we were expecting, my class teacher. As expected, I already anticipate bad news rather than good ones, so does my mom but got no idea about mu dad though. So there you have it, a short conversation on the phone, my dad and my teacher. Not long after, after the long talk and the bullshit, my dad finally told me that our prediction came true, I didn't make it. At first I thought to myself "so what, no big deal". And yeah, it didn't hurt, I don't feel pain nor guilt nor sorrow nor regret. Yes, that is a lie.
I don't really know what to do or feel or say at a time like this. I'm certain there's actually no one to blame, but is that really true? I'm prepared to blame myself, yes it's true it's probably mostly my fault, but is it a hundred percent my fault? I guess maybe it's the true nature of man to seek for one's fault instead of searching for his own, but I realized that it's mostly my fault, or at least I know I play a big roll in this fall. How does it feel? I can't really say. It's as if I'm broken down but I seem to hold it in or just accept it but not letting it loose. It's as if I'm wearing a mask to fool the world of how I feel but that mask does not only cover what I'm hiding but also preventing it to be unleashed. I feel hurt, but it doesn't seem to just go out. I feel ashamed, but it seemed as if I'm trying to just swallow it all in. I'm feeling a lot of things but not in the falling in love way. Took a cigarette and light it up in my room. The room looked a bit dim, I don't know if it's just me or if it is dim. Took a while trying to grasp the moment because it all seemed too fast for me to realize just what hit me. After a few minutes I came to my senses. I came out of my room and walked to the living room where my mum was sitting and sat down in front of her. I tried to say something but at first the TV was too loud so I had to repeat what I said, and I hate repeating what I said, especially an apology... I apologized to her sincerely and she said it's alright, it's better this way. I took a turn and apologized to my dad but he was being him, mostly an ass. My friends called and asked me about things and one of them helped me find info about homeschooling, something I'm interested about. Well my girl's there for me, too bad I was a bit frustrated and couldn't really find a topic to talk bout with her, that and my cell went low bat and I forgot to take it back when the bat's full.
Well it's a bit ironic don't you think? I just became a veteran last year, and this year I got dropped out! It is kind of funny, but even til' today I can't seem to let out the sorrow inside me. No, there are no regrets, I did it and I'm aware of what I did. I just wonder what happens tomorrow...
