High Hopes

It’s a Monday the 4th of October 2010 and it’s not an ordinary Monday. I’ve been through a rough impact from the days before, some turbulence in life, and the frustration hasn’t seemed to fade away. The time shows it’s precisely 13:45 and in a couple of hours later I’ll be heading on to the train station nearby my house, headed for campus, yet the nerve breakdown I’ve experienced from the past days before haven’t seem to disappear. Three days ago, on Friday the 1st of October, I went through an orientation which was mandatory for freshmen at the University that I was attending. Odd, the orientation was fun for me yet I had discovered something disturbing.
At the orientation there were many people, coming from across Indonesia, and with a variety of age. It was a new atmosphere for me, very different from the high school orientation I’ve had before. From all those people, not one I’ve known before but that wasn’t an obstacle for me, I’m always happy when it comes to meeting new people. The rumors saying that it was a place filled with homosexuals, which had also been a burden in my mind, haven’t seem to been proved. I’ve come to know them better as I’ve talked and done activities with them. Although the atmosphere was new to me it wasn’t hard for me to adapt, and I’ve found it fun and also interesting. Unfortunately for me, it didn’t last.
It came to me after I’ve spoken with a couple of mates I met that class had already started approximately for two weeks long, starting from the 30th of August and stopped, due to the Lebaran holiday, and continued at the 24th of September, if I’m not mistaken, and that wasn’t the first thing that disturbed me. Before, I had to fill the attendance list which had not my name on it. Neither Student ID nor Student number, and no student card which contains my SKS grades either Soon I’ve realized after my father finally decided to tell the truth, there were some administration problems. Seems because there were some money needed to be paid and because it hasn’t passed the due line, I’m not registered. I felt as if I was to be showed that that school, that place, is what I want, yet I’m not going to get it.
After some conflict within my family, and after I stated that I didn’t want to continue college for it will only be a waste of time because if after I’ve taken class and one day later I can’t afford it, I’ll be suspended, I talked with a good friend of mine. Yes, I cried, and yes, despite of what people think of me, I still have some tears left in my eyes. She made me calm just by listening to me, hearing me woe and also helping me find a way out of the mess I was in at the moment. Fortunate for me, she was there to ease the shock I was in and made me able to laugh again, but I’m convinced that I’m not going to continue my studies there or start my studies, to be précised. The next day my parents talked me out of it though, they said they will try and my father will pay at the 6th of October 2010, which is Wednesday, but if my father doesn’t pay then, then au revoir university. Meanwhile, from the 3rd to 6th, I must take classes so I won’t be counted as absent because absent four times means that I’m not eligible to take the annual semester test, and I will be taking one later on this very day, at 17:30. To tell the truth, if it were up to me, I’d wait until my father already paid at the 6th of October so then at least I won’t have to suffer more in disappointment, but the fact is that won’t happen either. Leaving me with no choice, I decided to take the “wait and see” method on what’s going to happen, since I’m helpless now, I can just leave it to fate to decide.
I wish I wasn’t helpless as I am right now, I wish I can show the dean or the lecturers or maybe even the president of the university that I’m worth it, to show them that I’m a diamond in the rough, though I’m not much now, a little work on me would make me shine. Yes, I’m willing to throw away my pride and ask for pity, hoping for aid or even a scholarship.
But there’s a lesson for me In the midst of all this, planning is essential. Why? If you’ve planned something right and if you gave it a deep thought, your next step would be anticipation, and you would save up money for the sake of your future, in order not to fail. A wise man once said, those who fails to plan, plans to fail.

CREAM - Cash Rules Everything Around Me (?)

Have you ever thought that you may not know where exactly you might be heading in life? Or that you’ve just realized that although you’ve thought that you know where you’re heading but actually you don’t? Have you ever thought that money just might be steering your life? I wonder if it's supposed to be that way...

I used to love business. I wanted to be somewhat close to managing things, having my own product, and be close to money. I started to like business when I first came to Indonesia and gave up on my dream of becoming an USAF pilot since I can’t be a fighter pilot for the USAF if I’m not even living in the US. I didn’t want to be a pilot for the Indonesian Air Force because they don’t even have one active fighting squadron. I don’t want to be flying the Hercules most of my flying career just to crash and burn someday on some mountain in Indonesia. I then came up with a theory that if I’m going to go serious with business and take that major at college, in the future I’m going to have a lot of money to start with. I always wanted to open a bar or a club or a lounge of some sort where people could just relax and drink with their friends. Unfortunately, for that dream to come true, I’ll need to find some place to loan me money and I realize the credit system of the banks here is not the same as the credit system in the US or anywhere else in the modern world and I’m not planning to open small business such as opening an internet cafe or such. So in words, I took the conclusion that if I took business major in college, I’ll need a large sum of cash, no cash means no use of the degree I will get from college.

It’s been a while until I decided to browse the internet to look for a major that I might be interested in. And after a little bit of this and a little bit of that I decided to take Public Relations major because I think it fits me. I love to communicate, I love to persuade, I love to meet new people, and my inner ego loves to be the front man (since to me, being a PR of a company means having the responsibility to show the public the good image of that company, sounds like a front man to me) and I thought that since a PR stands in the front line for its company, I thought it’ll get paid well. Then after things were fixed and I decided to take night classes and tried to find a part-time job.

My dad told me about a job vacancy in Australia looking for 1000 divers that are willing to work by clearing and preserving great barrier reefs of Australia. Immediately I was interested for some particular reason that I can’t really explain. Perhaps it’s because my love for the deep blue, of the wonders and the mysteries... Or it might be because of the adventure of the job, learning and seeing new and certainly beautiful creatures and their habitats.... Not to mention the salary...

Never mind that, it caused anxiety instead of interest because it got me thinking of comparison between doing something that you love and getting paid there, instead of doing something not because of your love to the job but your love for the salary here... And to add to that, let’s say, a friend told me something that I haven’t heard for a very long time...

She said “Do what you like and make the best of it, then you'll know how high you appreciate yourself in life”.

It got me thinking something deep... Do I appreciate myself in life because of money..? Would I waste my time on something that I might not be happy with? Now I’m confused because I’m not sure I know what I like to do... I believe I grew up in a society where the people in it are mostly money oriented where the people think that money rules the world and that everything comes from money. Perhaps because people think that with no money they suffer, so if they have much money, they cherish... It’s a bit sad actually, and pathetic if you think of it. Then again if you really think of it, you’ll see that perhaps all of this is because of our status as a third world country, where the people will have to suffer because of the development of their nation, although that suffering does not include the suffering caused by the corruption that is a trend amongst the members of the parliaments these days. I guess I myself was money oriented, corrupted by the thoughts of the common.

I just hope that it’s not too late for me and that I’ll have another chance to actually find out what I want to be and enjoy it because it’s something I like, not because of how much the average salary is...

Doubts

It's been a while since I've been online, been a while since I've even opened my blog. I'm surprised I remember my password to it.

I've just graduated from, let's say, high school, and I just got accepted on Grade 1 LSPR (London School Public Relations) last month. I was tremendously excited and happy knowing the news and I started planning stuff for the future such as finding a part-time job for me to do at day cause' I'm planning to take night classes. Things went fine at first and I thought everything was going to be alright. But looks like it wasn't all a bowl full of strawberries, even though in my head...

At first I was interested in taking PR because from what I read, I get to take responsibility based on what I'm good at, which is easily getting along well with people and having a way with my words, and also good paying. It was love at first sight, at least until now. I don't understand why I was all jolly then and just completely bought that article I read and didn't do any research instead. Now somehow, perhaps an epiphany,I'm starting to question the average pay for a PR, a male PR to be precise, in Jakarta. And what I found, unfortunately, was not what I was expecting.

Compared to a diver in Australia that spends most of his time swimming in the beautiful Australian reef, spending his time with fishes and taking care of attols and corals, to living in the beautifully traffic-paradise, fresh polluted air, and perfectly KIND Jakarta, the comparison is way, and I mean WAY, out of range.

Think it this way, an average diver, with minimum requirements of "Could swim, minimum age of 18, fluent in speaking and writing English, and is willing to live in Australia", gets paid 5000 Au Dollars, plus food, a place to stay, health commodities, and visa, while here in this lovely place, Jakarta, being a PR with minimum requirements of "D3, good looking, age under 30" gets paid averagely 7 million Rupiah, without any commodities. Don't get fooled by the million, it's rupiah. Convert it in to dollars and you'll get yourself a comparison of, in dollars, 2631.57$:736.84$/month. INCREDIBLE ISN'T IT?

Yes you may think that this is Jakarta and that's the way it is and bla bla bla and maybe I should accept it, but no. The cost of LSPR itself is about 50 million rupiah paid withing 4-5 years while in other places other than Jakarta, Indonesia to be precise, gets way better salary than 736.84$ a month. Even a taxi driver at New York gets averagely a freaking 2 grand, a week!!! That's with public healthcare and all of course. I wish I could understand more about these things, that way I wouldn't have to be this curious.

Yes, anxious I am at the moment. Now I'm searching for a blog containing infos about PR's in Jakarta, yet I'm hitting walls right here, can't seem to find any. And yes I'm having second thoughts wether I'm going the wrong way or not... I FREAKING WISH I DID MY RESEARCH EARLIER!!! Then again... Oh well...

So... That's so far about my life, how's yours?

Thunderstrucked at The Pool

I went swimming again this morning, went to the fitness center near my house and went swimming. I took a walk as usual because the place is half a mile less. Went running at the treadmill and realized that I've gained weight about 6 kilos since the last time I was actively fit. The place was quiet, no one there, although it surprised me that there was someone that already worked-out even earlier than me. Spent like about an hour or less there and went straight down to the pool. Went swimming, the pool itself, was quite quiet, it's a lonely swimming pool. There was some girls there but had no contact with them, just swam around myself back and forth about 16-20 times through the 50 meters pool. Then it rained, quiet hard. Then I took a seat on the bench, lit up a Marlboro Light and started sucking the smoke and keeping them in my lungs. I just wondered to myself, do people die of thunderstruck? In the pool, when swimming, I mean. Some say yeah and some say no, but who knows?

The Fall After The Fall

Yesterday about nine at night my dads cellphone rang. Yeah, we were anxious waiting for a phone call from someone considered important because from what I've heard before, the phone call should have been from the day before. And, it turned out to be the phone call that we were expecting, my class teacher. As expected, I already anticipate bad news rather than good ones, so does my mom but got no idea about mu dad though. So there you have it, a short conversation on the phone, my dad and my teacher. Not long after, after the long talk and the bullshit, my dad finally told me that our prediction came true, I didn't make it. At first I thought to myself "so what, no big deal". And yeah, it didn't hurt, I don't feel pain nor guilt nor sorrow nor regret. Yes, that is a lie.

I don't really know what to do or feel or say at a time like this. I'm certain there's actually no one to blame, but is that really true? I'm prepared to blame myself, yes it's true it's probably mostly my fault, but is it a hundred percent my fault? I guess maybe it's the true nature of man to seek for one's fault instead of searching for his own, but I realized that it's mostly my fault, or at least I know I play a big roll in this fall. How does it feel? I can't really say. It's as if I'm broken down but I seem to hold it in or just accept it but not letting it loose. It's as if I'm wearing a mask to fool the world of how I feel but that mask does not only cover what I'm hiding but also preventing it to be unleashed. I feel hurt, but it doesn't seem to just go out. I feel ashamed, but it seemed as if I'm trying to just swallow it all in. I'm feeling a lot of things but not in the falling in love way. Took a cigarette and light it up in my room. The room looked a bit dim, I don't know if it's just me or if it is dim. Took a while trying to grasp the moment because it all seemed too fast for me to realize just what hit me. After a few minutes I came to my senses. I came out of my room and walked to the living room where my mum was sitting and sat down in front of her. I tried to say something but at first the TV was too loud so I had to repeat what I said, and I hate repeating what I said, especially an apology... I apologized to her sincerely and she said it's alright, it's better this way. I took a turn and apologized to my dad but he was being him, mostly an ass. My friends called and asked me about things and one of them helped me find info about homeschooling, something I'm interested about. Well my girl's there for me, too bad I was a bit frustrated and couldn't really find a topic to talk bout with her, that and my cell went low bat and I forgot to take it back when the bat's full.

Well it's a bit ironic don't you think? I just became a veteran last year, and this year I got dropped out! It is kind of funny, but even til' today I can't seem to let out the sorrow inside me. No, there are no regrets, I did it and I'm aware of what I did. I just wonder what happens tomorrow...